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Pardon the Pun, but She Sucks at It
Published: Saturday, April 21, 2012
Pardon the Pun, but She Sucks at It
My girlfriend sucks at fellatio. She has to be the worst fellator to ever walk the face of this Earth. It's not that her mouth is too small, that her teeth get in the way, or that I'm too big (although I'm of a decent size. I just wanted you to know that). It's her technique and, worst of all, her spirit. She's just not feeling it.

Maybe I've been spoiled by women who approached it like a spiritual experience, like some kind of pagan ritual that would bring us both closer to a sublime ecstasy unexplainable through words. Fellatio is a kind of communication; once words seize to be sufficient for explaining affection, action has to take over. Fellatio is the ultimate communicative action when it comes to intense desire. It says, "I can't explain how into you I am, so I must show you."

Unfortunately, my girlfriend sees this act as another thing to do on the way to intercourse. It's like a bad opening act at a concert; you have to sit through it, but the hope of the headlining act keeps you going. To me, fellatio IS the headlining act as well. When Billy Joel and Elton John tour together, one doesn't open for the other. They are both the main event (rather than try to figure out which singer/songwriter represents blow jobs - probably Elton John - let's just move on).

This is my predicament, but since I am not a man that easily loses hope, and since I was given an opportunity to write on this subject, I created a game plan for bettering my situation.

The first thing I did was try to coach her--respectfully, of course. I did not want to come off as a football coach or drill sergeant barking orders. I also did not want to come off as an over-critical micro-manager. I just want to come off. So, I make soft, friendly suggestions about speed, alternating between one method and another, lip-use to tongue-use ratio, what have you (this was originally much more descriptive, but I was advised to revise). However, despite my polite pointers, she was unhappy with my teaching methods. For understandable reasons, it did not feel romantic to her at all. The blow job had too much emphasis on the "job" aspect of it all. She was turned off, so I had to whack off.

So, I decided to give her homework. I found some very good and instructive clips on some websites of ill repute. These clips were wonderfully indicative of the kind of thing I was looking for. Perhaps if she studied them and visualized them as she put her new knowledge to work, the results could be marvelous. Unfortunately, she was disgusted by the whole thing. Porn, by virtue of being porn, makes her feel dirty, and now she associates fellatio with depravity or something. Man did that backfire.

Then, since I saw her begin to associate going down as being depraved, I decided to show her that one can go down without losing a sense of dignity and self respect. I already performed oral sex on her occasionally, but now it was time to go to town. I became Captain Oral for weeks, pretty much making it a daily occurrence. Oh, she liked this method, but it didn't have the results I wanted. Instead of motivating her to get better at giving head, it just motivated her to give more bad head. Quantity skyrocketed while quality was still in the pits.

So, it has come to this. I love getting oral sex too much to do without it, so I had to tell this woman that if I cannot get a decent performance in the near future, I may have to terminate our partnership. I felt weird about this at first, but the more I think about it, the more certain I am of it. I will not be made to feel guilty about ending a relationship because the oral sex is bad. I will not be made to feel depraved or immature. This is something I love. I love it like a dung beetle loves dung, or like a beaver loves wood (I'm sure there is a sex pun in there somewhere, but I will let the readers create their own).

The ultimatum will happen soon. I just hope she steps up.
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Readers Respond
Dump her was my first thought. As a woman that feels as you do, it is a spiritual connection I must tell you she doesn't care so dump her. there are plenty of us out there that love it. and if you marry her you wont even get the bad stuff.

04/21/2012 @ 08:29 am
If oral sex is that big a deal to you, and you have tried to make it work, then obviously you're not connecting with this woman on a much deeper level. Don't give her ultimatums, just move on.

Posted By: Jana.Murphy74
04/21/2012 @ 08:48 am
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About The Author
by Wally
Wally Green is a young urban professional living in Northern New Jersey. His interests in love and romance go far beyond his own love life. He enjoys philosophers and novelists who broach the subject and his critiques and observations of these authors give him the confidence to share his own observations about love. Fortunately, the good people at like what he has to say.
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