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The Red Flag Essays: Too Many Friends, Too Many Problems
Published: Sunday, February 19, 2012
The Red Flag Essays: Too Many Friends, Too Many Problems
Listen up, Ladies!
It's hard to make friends, especially when you're older. A teacher I had in high school once told me that people really only have one or two real friends their entire lives. At the time, I found that hard to believe, and still don't completely buy into such a small number of people, but I'm starting to get it. People who are truly there for you, and for whom you are truly there shouldn't be too large of a number. Like anything else spread so thinly, platonic love, too, will eventually dissipate. So, if he's got a lot of friends, too many friends, this could possibly be a Red Flag.

And how does a myriad friends turn into a Red Flag?

1) What kind of friends are they? If he grew up with many of them, went to school with them, or shared any kind of formative experiences with them, that is more understandable. However, if he met them all in bars, casinos or tailgating football games, this may be a sign that he takes closeness too lightly. Having fun with people is good, but when he calls the stranger who gave him a Pabst Blue Ribbon outside the football stadium a buddy, he probably doesn't know what close is. What's more, he probably can't get that pseudo-collegial feeling without a big event and some beer. Your real affection may not be enough.

2) Who is he to his friends? It is more common, and, apparently, more healthy, to have some friends that are closer than others. However, if he is the same guy to all of his friends, this may say something about the genuineness or his connections (or his character, itself). Basically, there are two general ways to be the same person to all your friends (you either care too much or too little). The person who has to take care of everyone or be there for everyone definitely doesn't have the time, or desire, to make you his main squeeze. The other kind of person is more like a sitcom character who pops in for good times and leaves when he needs to, who is always the same person with the same issues. If you don't mind dating Cramer from Seinfeld, this person may be the one for you. However, if you want something a little deeper, you're not going to get it from everyone's novelty act.

I believe that a guy who has friends is imperative to a fulfilling relationship. However, I believe there is a certain amount of friends that is healthy and manageable. I can't give you an exact number, but I know it when I see it. Do you?
 
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My current bf had a lot of friends when we started hanging out. He was in an "open marriage" which I never understood. Slowly over time I discovered that he had romantic and sexual history with almost all these "friends" (most of them girls). My distaste and loss of respect for him is what kept us "just friends" for a long time...and me dating someone who could give me fidelity and a more normal relationship He has since divorced and I know that the Poly thing they had going on was a huge part of that. I ended up being his biggest emotional support during this time in which he found God, started attending Church,and swore he was never going to be part of that lifestyle again. We grew close and over time became a couple. Still it can be difficult being with him remembering how he was before. So yeah too many frivolous friends, esp female friends, is definitely not a good thing. I also had an ex-boyfriend who has a lot of female friends. I found out one was an ex-girlfriend, which he had initially kept from me, and his "best friend" was the girl he was sleeping with before we met. I always had suspicions that they actually never stopped sleeping together when we were a couple. :/

Posted By: Chris_Wilson
04/23/2012 @ 05:07 am
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by Lania Freeport
I am single, in my late 30s, and loving it. I think this is a perspective that is not often represented in the media, let alone love and relationship advice websites. The people at GetOnTheCouch tend to agree. So here I am.
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