It's a noble cause. I promise. I meet a hot woman. I love her mind, also, but she has a problem: her father died or her mother was cold, or she was raped, molested or otherwise violated. She knows she has a problem. She knows she needs help. But she doesn't know where to start.

I understand. I listen. I nod. I ask questions, rephrase. I advise. And she is really listening. She even has tears in her eyes. Hey! Look at me!! I'm having a great conversation with this unbelievable woman. I'm doing great, right?

Wrong. This is the slope that a lot of higher brains slip and slide onto: trying to solve all her problems. And it is a noble cause. It's like a puzzle that is causing her pain. Well, I'm smart. I like puzzles. I don't want her to be in pain. I could really love her. So, if I help her past this, she'll really want me, right?

No. Wrong. This is the mentor zone.

A lunch date tells me, in no uncertain terms, "Listen, I just want you to know, you are a wonderful man.” Score, yes?

No. There is an unspoken "but" to that sentence. "I just want you to know, you are a wonderful man, but you don't turn me on.” This is sometimes followed by a two hour discussion on my all-time favorite topic: "You're so great, and I can't fuck you, what does that say about me as a woman?”

It's simple, really: how do you have sex with someone you worship? What if it doesn't work out? He will stop talking to me. I can't believe he tolerates talking to someone as lowly as me and that is why it could never work out and… What if it's bad!! No! No!

The mentor is cerebrally castrated.

Avoid the mentor zone. You can't fix anyone, you arrogant prick; it's impossible, and how dare you try. People need their struggles--to overcome, to learn, to grow. No woman needs you swooping in--some paunchy super-brained hero--trying to solve her problems. Listen, console, and understand. Then, leave the woman alone. Support her through her battles; don't just fight them for her. And when she wins--and she will win--she'll love you even more.

Don't question. Just listen. You have to trust me. I know. I used to be the fucking President of the Mentor Zone.

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Charles Bivona is a professor, writer and blogger. More of his work can be seen at WWW.CHARLESBIVONA.COM

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