comment

Jun 19 2010

I have to applaud you Erec on a well written article and one that hits home for many people. My own bad past would be better somewhere else but even though there is pain in remembering, I feel a wierd need to do so. I can't shake my past or forget the details of endless mistakes, but writing to my past is something I'm doing in a different way. I hope you enjoy the following:

Sunday noon and I’m alone, or at least I think I am. It’s the stillness I think, that makes Sundays so haunting. Hearing the church bell just two blocks away when I was a boy, somehow cleared the air of impurities and prepared my soul for the preacher’s warning sermons. Of course I always relate my most favorite mornings with springtime. When things are opening up all around in color and newness, I always feel the same way.
My office is my refuge, as I sit here thinking about my life and how it has rippled along, leaving memories. The older we get, our early memories that were young and colorful like springtime flowers, become the withered vines in our maturity. They become hardened and tough, but hang on through our entire lifetime. Too many withered vines can tangle together forming a maze of grays and browns that never flourish quite the same again. I try to define happiness along with sadness, as they are two forces that help or hinder and both are hinged upon events that occur daily in our lives. Among these events are moments, even seconds of doubt that we’ll not be able to navigate through the vines. I think we should then go out and find ourselves some happiness and actually seek out more colorful performances.
Sunday always finds me with a different mindset than other days. It’s just a day when even the single engine air planes sound different as they fly over our house. Sometimes on a given Sunday, I can feel that hollow aching inside my chest. You know the one I mean, when something going along so smoothly suddenly leaves you empty. Especially difficult when you realize there is no way back to remedy what might have been a very happy time. Of course as our lives unfold into various streams and we get older, the pain subsides underneath all those layers. Occasionally though, something will emerge from your past that almost seems ordained and absolute. You find yourself floundering through yet another chapter of life that leaves you desolate and without answers.
I have walked through nursing homes and hospitals, often looking at the sad faces of people that were once vibrant. Life has beaten them down and the only thing they have left are scrambled memories that flash in and out. I think one has to allow for periods when you can piece together the past. It’s not so necessary as it is purposeful to understand why things happen. You can visit again the good and the bad, but you must be prepared to face the truth. I think there are many people who run away from this reality, as it lifts the veil that reveals the soul. Your humility comes from sacrifice and that leads you into character forming that others will determine as honesty.
I have been humbled by sickness, heartache and death that leaves me fragile. My hands tremble now, as I reach for my pen or button my shirt. Sometimes I feel the presence of someone around me and I calm down and smile back. There are those unseen who know our pain and are trying to offer comfort. I have felt that recently and it came from my being aware and searching for answers.
Sunday noon and the churches will empty soon. I should be in church, my family always tells me, but I don’t like the formality and I’ve heard all the sermons. I do miss the singing when I was a child and would suffer through Hell and Damnation sermons that left me scared to death. But I believe the sweet, loving, precious people I have known on this earth are comforted now with a very loving God. The people you loved and who loved you back with all their heart are just around your every breath. Love is the most powerful reason I know an eternity exist, where we will finally understand our purpose. I fear the unknown , yet I long to hold close the ones dear to my heart. I see their faces every moment and they are so beautiful. We miss so much when we choose not to visit with the morning, especially on Sundays.