Everyone just wants to be happy, and I assume that includes you. Whether you are single or in a relationship, the primary goal when you get up in the morning is happiness, right? Well, some people work hard for this goal, others don't feel like they can work hard enough. Some are on the verge of giving up, altogether. It's almost as if the very search for happiness is the thing making us most unhappy.



Lately, I've come across a book, by British writer Daniel Nettle, called _Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile_. It is a very insightful book and it really made me think a bit. In a most influential segment of the book, Nettle distinguishes between the "acquisition" of happiness and the "pursuit" of happiness. He writes that "what we are programmed for by evolution is not happiness itself, but a set of beliefs about the kinds of things that will bring happiness, and a disposition to pursue them" (14). He goes on to write ". . . the purpose of the happiness programme in the human mind is not to increase human happiness: it is to keep us striving" (43). So, once we achieve a goal, we're just going to want more. Stable happiness, then, is kind of an illusion.



So how does this pertain to relationship advice? Well, if you or your partner is the kind of person who constantly says "If we only had this, we'd be happy," or "If you'd only do that, we'd be happy," perhaps you are way too hooked on the happiness illusion. Perhaps the best thing to do is strive together toward certain goals, enjoy them when they are acquired, and move on. Let the pleasure of life be in the pursuit and not the acquisition of happiness.



What might this look like? Well, instead of complaining about how you need more money as a couple, truly try to enjoy brainstorming about how to get the money. If you are unhappy with sex life, have fun exploring ways to spice it up. Sometimes, we can keep our eyes on the prize too much. Maybe the Declaration of Independence is more correct than we initially thought. Maybe life isn't about happiness, but "the pursuit of happiness." If it's good enough for America, maybe it's good enough for our relationships, too.

References:


Nettle, Daniel. Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile. Oxford:
Oxford University Press, 2005.

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