Asked

Feb 3 2010

Female

I'm in a tricky situation. My girlfriend and I were seeing each other for a year and a half and things were fine. But then I got a job training offer in a different city for a year. We decided to take a break and agreed that we both could date other people meanwhile if wished to.

Now I'm back in town and found out that while I had been on dates with a couple of girls, my ex hadn't dated anybody else. So we thought of getting back together. She's happy about it, but I feel weird. I'm not the same person I was..I've had different experiences and she doesn't really know "me" anymore, although she thinks nothing has changed.

Should I break up with her?

anonymous post in Committed

Answered

Feb 21 2010

Dear Committed: I must say, that we all have different experiences with new people in our lives - that hopefully change us in positive ways - so although you feel that you're not the same person you were before this hiatus - you could certainly use it to the relationship's advantage [as your girlfriend has undoubtedly met new people as well, even if they weren't romantic in nature - so she has some new experiences to share with you as well]!

You might want to communicate some of the interactions you've had with other women you've met, and also ask her to do the same with men or women she's met as new friends - since whatever important traits and attributes that brought you two together in the first place, must surely still be intact - and I would surmise that she does know the REAL you, on the most intimate level [so even if you do feel differently for now, give it a chance].

However, if you still feel there are fundamental changes in your outlook or perspective, those could be addressed with her in a constructive and caring way too. In this sense, it wouldn't have to create estrangement, but rather an increased sense of connection if you're both open to honestly talking about your new experiences, without fear of being judged. And even if someone does actually feel hurt or scared, those reactions can be understood too, as long as it's all done in a kind way. As they always say - it's not what we say, it's HOW we say it!

Also, if she's been such a special person to you for well over a year now, I can't see anything that would be undermined in trying the above approach - at least before doing anything more drastic - since you can always take a different path if you continue to feel "weird", right? So I don't see breaking up as a viable step so soon in all this, before engaging in some talks between you two to determine if you still have something strong together, despite your concerns that she doesn't know you anymore. So maybe just give this a chance for a month or two, as there is always time to shift direction and start afresh. Hope this helps, -AnnieSpencer

[reply to answer]

I've been married 15 years to the same woman and although I cannot always say I have been the best husband, our main problem is her overwhelming jealousy. I work hard and long and she still thinks I'm having affairs. I don't have the time or the energy. We have 4 children whom we both love but they have witnessed terrible fighting and arguing and I don't know what to do. I'm exhausted.