Asked

Feb 7 2010

Female

So me and my boyfriend have been going out for nine months today. But 2 days ago he said he wants to go on a break.

For the first six months of our relationship things were great but in november depression started kicking in and now i am so bad i have pushed everyone away except him. I have a psychiatrist appointment next friday and he wants to come with me.

He said while we are on the break i can still call him and he said he would meet me today as it is 9 months.

But last night when i called him i asked to see him on thursday as if i saw him on friday it may be awkward as it will the first day i see him after a week, and i dont need things to be awkward when i have an appointment. And he also said he doesnt want to see me today now too.

He wants this break because when i am with him and im down it is making his mood low and i understand that but i feel like i have finally pushed the only person i had left away.

I just really need some advice now... i really dont know what to do about him. Im in love with him and i dont want to loose him.

HELP!!

by Alix...X in On a Break

Answered

Mar 4 2010

I have to give you the honest truth whether it sounds harsh or not because I feel as though I've been you in a past situation. The truth is that no good is going to come from this break between you and your ex. It's a way for him to impose complete control over your relationship because he's well aware that you still desire to be with him very much. As long as he finds comfort in the fact that you're in love with him he'll feel free to remain on this break as long as he pleases.

You have to, at some point, be able to step outside of yourself and see the situation almost from a third-party perspective. It's true that being in a relationship with someone who has depression is difficult and that at times it can emotionally drain your significant other. However, it is my belief that if your boyfriend or girlfriend can't stick by you in your desperate times of need then the relationship truly serves no purpose. In life you are going to encounter issues that are going to test every single one of your relationships so much more than depression ever could.

Again, to be QUITE honest, if he can't manage to stick this out with you he's really just not the type of man I envision making it through life with you, or anyone for that matter. I say this as someone who has struggled with depression since I was thirteen years old. What you need more than anything is someone who will stand by you, someone who will understand that depression is not a choice it's simply something you can't help but feel because sometimes life puts you there.

I commend you on seeking help for your depression and I think that as you begin to work things out in therapy you will come to realize that the relationship you thought you had was really not the one you were in. And I know from experience that during a bout of depression it's easy to see things as being better for you than they really are because it gives you hope, and I recognize in your story that this man was your living hope. My advice to you is to find the strength that is inside you because you are a woman and we are strong, and find the hope within yourself! Trust me it's there.

[reply to answer]

Answered

Feb 25 2010

Let me give you the reality of the situation. He wants a break because he is keeping his options open and keeping contact with you just in case he needs you around.

Your depression may have fueled his exit but it also works as a tool for him to keep you attached to him. Stand outside of the relationship, think about the conversations, actions, and intentions and then look at them, it will be enlightening.

If you think about it you may find it is you who is there for him and not the other way around.

Please continue counciling and tell your therapist the truth about your relationship and how you really feel. Then tell your ex it is all or nothing and then deal with the result of that. If he wants to stay out then it is a good place for him to be. You have issues that you need to work through and waiting for him to love you as you love him is not going to solve them.

[reply to answer]

Answered

Feb 7 2010

The first thing you need to do now is to cure your depression and get fully well. That would sort out all the problems, including that of your relationship.

I can understand how you feel, as it is when you are not feeling great that you need the people you love and want them with you. But I am sure your boyfriend loves you and it is only your depression which is affecting him and makes him want to stay away from you for some time. His concern is evident, as he wants to accompany you, when you go to the psychiatrist.

Even if he does not want to meet you now, just let him be. Let him come on Friday, during the appointment and try to be as relaxed and happy as possible. Please continue your treatment and focus on getting well, as that is the only way out of this situation. You would not lose the man you love and also get your life back on track.

Best of luck!!

[reply to answer]

I lost my job early this year and needed to get a tenant in to help offset the cost of the mortgage. My boyfriend of one year had been recently pallling around with a guy who is related to a noted wealthy celebrity. The guy was looking for a place and my boyfriend recommended that I rent the place to him. The pal did not have a job but my boyfriend assured me that he'd always be able to pay. I was... read more