Asked

Feb 7 2010

Female

I have gone through a messy divorce after enduring a bad, traumatic marriage for nearly 20 years. I have one daughter 18 years old and a younger son. My daughter has always been close to her father and the only reason she is staying with me is to continue her college education. Her father is in another city.

To say she hates me would be an understatement. She has stopped talking to me completely and literally does what she likes. She thinks the divorce is my fault and happened because of me, when the opposite is true as my ex-husband was a liar and a womaniser. I have tried to talk to her but it is like hitting a brick wall! I love her and want to communicate, to explain the situation to her, but it seems like a losing battle. This is affecting me and my work, as I am really depressed and unhappy.

Can anyone out there give me some advice?

by Yatri in Divorced

Answered

Feb 25 2010

As for your daughter she may be hurt and confused but that does not excuse rudeness and cruelty in your home. Please make sure she knows that. Also, do not hate yourself for removing yourself from a destructive and abusive relationship, you should be proud of yourself. Many women will stay in a situation claiming it is for the kids, but mostly it is for the money. You are a rare breed.

Your daughter will see your side someday, but considering her age, hormones and generation branded narcissism this could take some time. The world is an imperfect place and nothing is black and white.
You may find that someday she thanks you for being strong enough to present a role model for her. Stand your ground and keep loving her, she will appreciate it even if she seems not to.

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Answered

Feb 21 2010

Dear Yatri: the past 20 years sound like difficult ones, and to make matters worse right now, your daughter seems angry or scared, or possibly both. It also seems as if she’s taking it out on you, but since you’re the parent, I can only hope that your maturity allows you to keep her reactiveness in perspective. Some reputable medical sources say that a stressed brain can become an aggressive brain, and although that doesn’t solve the hostility problems in your house right now, it may shed some light on what's triggering it.

I seriously doubt that there is any actual hate involved, even if that’s how her behavior makes you feel – and I would suggest talking in different venues for now, e.g., in a restaurant where you two could have a pact to talk about lower-level issues, or even the enjoyable parts of each of your days. And maybe for the first few weeks, you and your daughter could agree that the divorce and its reasons MUST be put on hold [in terms of behaviors and fault, as that is a complicated situation for any two people to understand, especially other family members – unless you both agree to see a less biased, third party, who mediates for a living].

For now though, you might listen to a concern from each other, and see if you could try a different approach. For instance, if she doesn’t like having to be in at 10:00pm on school nights, you might agree to 11:00 pm for a few nights that week, while adding 1 stipulation - that you both sit down at the kitchen table and have some tea or hot chocolate together to casually chat about her evening and your own, and just leave more difficult issues aside. This way, you might be able to talk about some upbeat, everyday events in your lives, while over time, when more trust is built up, you might carefully tip-toe back into other areas, agreeing to only bring one issue up at a time, so that it doesn’t become an overload of stimuli for either of you.

Alternatively, if this approach is attempted and there is still too much hostility for either of you to live there peacefully, then that third party might be considered as a way to hear out both of your feelings – so that they are monitored and not allowed to get out of hand - with each person listening to the other as they speak, and summing up what was said, so that you each know what you tried to say is understood as it was meant. This takes patience, but if there's a mutual desire to work things out, it could serve as a huge anchor!

Finally, even with the most loving feelings for your daughter, if the hostility in the house makes it impossible for you to function or do your work - she could also get a part-time job and live with some friends for awhile, as you try some of the above ideas alone or together, especially while seeing a third party for a monitored environment. Hope this sheds some light on a few things for now! All my best, -AnnieSpencer

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