Asked

Mar 1 2010

Female

Whenever someone I find attractive talks to me, I start to get really anxious. I blush and sweat and my heartbeats really fast and I cannot for the life of me be the funny and intelligent person I normally am. This all started to happen when I got out of a very long term relationship. I feel like a complete freak who's never going to impress anybody enough to get a date! How do I get my anxiety under control?

anonymous post in Single

Answered

Mar 3 2010

I love Anton's practical, doable suggestions! I'd like to give you one more idea: a "Visualizing" exercise. EVERY DAY, spend five minutes picturing yourself talking to someone handsome; but, as you visualize, imagine yourself as a confident, secure person. See yourself laughing and conversing naturally, with no feelings of awkwardness. Picture yourself as you'd LIKE to be (and as you really are): your heart is beating calmly, your palms are cool, you are at-ease, you are elegant, funny, intelligent and sophisticated. As vividly as you can, visualize what you look like: your head is high, your shoulders are relaxed, a real smile is on your face, your cheeks and face are their normal color, your posture is relaxed but poised. You are confident. You are secure. You are at-ease.
Then, the next time you are chatting to an attractive person, picture yourself as you are during these visualization sessions: calm, secure, confident, graceful, elegant, poised. Even if you don't feel that way initially, pretend you ARE that person you visualize. You chat easily, you feel cool and relaxed. Soon, your two persona will start to become one: the awkward person will disappear as your REAL, confident person starts to take over. You said yourself you are a funny, intelligent person - allow that person to come back out of hiding and shine once again.

[reply to answer]

Answered

Mar 1 2010

Let me put your mind at ease a bit by telling you something that, while it might be hard to believe, is undeniably true; your perception of the symptoms of your anxiety is far more intense than what the people around you see. You might be thinking 'oh no here I go being a total freak again' when the person you're speaking with may at best thinking, 'gosh she/he seems a bit uneasy'. Trust me, it never, ever, looks as bad to others as it feels to you! Anxiety is a ruthless cycle that digs it's claws in by making you feel more anxious about being anxious than the darn thing that actually made you anxious in the first place.
There are several steps you can take to begin to regain control. The first two sound opposing, but they must go together. You have to volunteer yourself to be in as may situations as possible where you will potentially meet the sorts of people who will make you nervous. Think of it as an assignment. Take the initiative to make conversation first wherever you are, no matter how daunting! The more you do this, the easier it will get. Make small talk all the time--with the guy making your latte, with the lady next to you at the checkout. Ask them how the day is going, comment on the weather--you don't have to speak brillantly, you just have to speak! If you can get used to being open to conversation with strangers, the less panic-striken you'll feel when one of these stangers happens to be cute! The second half of this exercise is that while you are undertaking your 'assignments,'you must accept that not all interactions will be successful, and THAT'S OK!! Don't pretend the anxiety doesn't exist, but commit to not letting it make you feel ashamed. When you feel the anxiety coming on, breath deeply, don't fidget or look away or do any of the things the anxiety wants you to do. If it begins to get bad (red face, wet hands) simply say, 'wow, I feel incredibly anxious all of a sudden' and continue to breath. Usually whomever you're talking to will merely ask if you're OK, and by the time you answer, 'oh yeah, just stress, it happens to me sometimes' you will already be feeling a tad better. Your anxiety will eventually lose out if you empower yourself by placing it out in the open like this. The more you try to hide it however, it will only grow stronger.
Another way to enhance this process is to let a trusted friend know exactly how the anxiety is affecting you, and how you plan to battle it. This friend can be your 'wingman'. Perhaps he/she could accompany you to places where you can carry out assignments, i.e., speed dating events, social dances or ballroom dance lessons, popular bars, wine tastings, local soccer or volleyball leagues, the gym, discussion groups at your library or community center, etc. Fill your calendar and have fun--fun certainly doesn't have to wait until you've shed your anxiety. And you may just end up triumphing over your nerves, finding a new hobby, AND getting a couple dates out of it. It's difficult leaving the security of a long term relationship; you just need to help yourself re-adjust to being single...whatever you do, don't ever side with your anxiety and berate yourself. Treat yourself lovingly and you will get through it! The key to overcoming anxiety is seeing how the methods it encourages for deal with it (hiding, shame), are the very tools it uses to assert it's authority. Good Luck!

[reply to answer]

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