Asked

Apr 14 2010

Female

My husband and I, after 14 months of marriage, have decided that married life between us cannot work. We have already filed for divorce, and the wheels are turning so slowly. Neither of us is the powerhouse financially that we used to be. Our house has been up for sale almost 10 months now. Since we did not have children, my husband and I are splitting the house because neither can easily relocate because the convenient distance from work and our current joint debt. He chose the basement with the patio and pool, and I choose the upstairs with the office and library.

The mid-level of the house, especially the kitchen, is a cold war zone.

Some days before our respective commutes, we meet at the coffee maker, attempt a civil “morning” to one another, and then hurry about our way. Often I come in to find the cat’s little box overflowing in the laundry room and curse the feeling that I still have “womanly duties.”

At this point, I don’t think that I can afford my own place. I also realized my (soon to be) ex-husband’s financial situation is not better than mine.

I just don’t know where to begin…

anonymous post in Divorced

Answered

Apr 14 2010

People often put themselves in this situation which will eventually cause other problems when one of them want to date someone else. I can understand your feelings of the financial strain however I think that you should act as if it's just you by yourself and live accordingly. What I mean is this; go out and find you a place where you can walk around freely and be in peace. It may be difficult but it's definitely doable. To do what you're doing will only lead to even more ill feelings in the end. I say just move on and out. It will get better in time. You can't worry about his financial state at this point because you have your own. Good Luck to you!

[reply to answer]

Answered

Apr 14 2010

First things first.....
I want you to know that I admire your courage, self-awareness and strength in this incredibly awkward (understatement, don't you think?) situation. You knew enough to end your marriage before things got anymore complicated finance or family-wise. You're making your best efforts to be civil. You are progressing, albeit slowly, through the justice system. Look at what you've already accomplished and be proud of yourself.
I haven't a single stat. to back me up on this, but I suspect that more and more separating couples are in your self-same position of having, through financial necessity, to continue to share the same living space. Not that that makes you any more comfortable to know, but it may help you to feel less 'alone' in this event.
Now, I used the word 'event' deliberately, because that is what this is. An event. It is a temporary happening in your life. A very unpleasant one, but temporary nevertheless. When it becomes overwhelming, as I'm sure it has (and will do again), try repeating that. "This is a temporary event. This is NOT my whole life. It will end."
I'm not going to suggest you find another job which would allow you to move out. I think that what you need/want at this time is some sense of permanence and stability....enough is changing in your life that you don't need or want to pile even more onto that.
As for Fluffy the cat. I hear and totally validate your feelings of frustration there, however, it isn't Mittens' fault that this horror is going on and s/he remains dependant on his/her human(s). Maybe try assuming this duty as a matter of course, reminding yourself that it is for Puff, not your soon-to-be-ex. Shift your perspective, if at all possible, to realize that you are doing something (something disgusting I grant you)necessary for a creature who is less able to fend for him/herself than you. And, yeah, it IS petty, or at the very least thoughtless, on your ex's part to leave this to you. You're right.
Tell yourself you are strong. Tell yourself this is temporary. Tell yourself progress (incremental or not) is being made. Tell yourself you are doing for Bootsie who cannot do for him/herself. Tell yourself you are a good person. And, most importantly, tell yourself that all of the preceeding statements are TRUE.
Bless you,
Grannygoto

[reply to answer]

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