What is an Enemy, and Do You Really Not Want One?
Friends, Enemies, Positivity
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Asked
Jul 23 2010
Female
I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years and I’ve cheated on him on 3 different occasions with three different men. None of the incidents meant anything to me and it always happened while I was traveling for work. I just like to go out and have fun when I’m traveling and pretend that I’m young/single/someone else again. I love my husband and want to remain with him but my friends tell me that if I want to have an honest relationship I have to tell him and I have to stop cheating. But I don’t want to tell him! Any advice? Do I have to?
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Answered
Aug 5 2010
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Rating: 3.9/5 | 37 votes
I think right now the important thing here is about giving your husband the choice that he has thus far been deprived of. Anejo and MagdaA make valid points, and if moving away from your husband is what you want than sparing him the nitty gritty details of your past exploits should perhaps be kept private. After all, confessing that you cheated on him whilst breaking up is just double punishment for someone who clearly believed he was in a faithful and honest marriage.
However, staying together whilst NOT telling him the truth is something different altogether. Call me old fashion, but cheating even once is one time too many, regardless of how many years you have been married. Especially if you consider all of the services available to couples in this day and age; be it family or couple counselling to name but one kind of service available. There really is no excuse for not hashing things out with your partner. This applies to your husband as well. Despite popular opinion, men are as capable of picking up on the slightest of differences in their spouse as women are in men. After all, if the two of you love each other than one cannot be completely happy unless the other is as well. There would be reason for concern and I wonder if during these moments of weakness if your husband didn’t try to find out if something was bothering you.
Furthermore, we live in a society that values individuality more so than the roles associated with marriage. If you feel as though you’re missing out, then you shouldn’t be married at all. It is not uncommon for instance where people never marry. Some people have been together for twenty years and would never dream of marrying as it is nothing more than a piece of paper in their eyes. You really have to ask yourself what marriage means to you and whether it is right for you. By being truthful and honest to yourself first then you can be truthful and honest towards your husband.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too. It isn’t fair on your husband and it isn’t even fair on you! You are preventing both yourself and your husband from experiencing a relationship built on honesty, truth and unconditional love. If you feel you cannot give this to him than you should let him go so that he can meet the right person who will love and care for him the way that he deserves and needs. This also applies to you, why limit yourself when you literally have an entire world to explore and find that special someone for yourself who you could never cheat on?
If all that is stopping you from leaving him is fear of being alone, ask yourself whether you are not already lonely! There are issues here much deeper than cheating on your husband and although I believe that if two people love each other enough they can work through anything; you have to give your husband the choice and not make that decision for him by remaining silent. No matter what you decide to do, I strongly urge you to seek couples counselling to hash out these issues in a safe and therapeutic environment. I wish you the best of luck.
However, staying together whilst NOT telling him the truth is something different altogether. Call me old fashion, but cheating even once is one time too many, regardless of how many years you have been married. Especially if you consider all of the services available to couples in this day and age; be it family or couple counselling to name but one kind of service available. There really is no excuse for not hashing things out with your partner. This applies to your husband as well. Despite popular opinion, men are as capable of picking up on the slightest of differences in their spouse as women are in men. After all, if the two of you love each other than one cannot be completely happy unless the other is as well. There would be reason for concern and I wonder if during these moments of weakness if your husband didn’t try to find out if something was bothering you.
Furthermore, we live in a society that values individuality more so than the roles associated with marriage. If you feel as though you’re missing out, then you shouldn’t be married at all. It is not uncommon for instance where people never marry. Some people have been together for twenty years and would never dream of marrying as it is nothing more than a piece of paper in their eyes. You really have to ask yourself what marriage means to you and whether it is right for you. By being truthful and honest to yourself first then you can be truthful and honest towards your husband.
You cannot have your cake and eat it too. It isn’t fair on your husband and it isn’t even fair on you! You are preventing both yourself and your husband from experiencing a relationship built on honesty, truth and unconditional love. If you feel you cannot give this to him than you should let him go so that he can meet the right person who will love and care for him the way that he deserves and needs. This also applies to you, why limit yourself when you literally have an entire world to explore and find that special someone for yourself who you could never cheat on?
If all that is stopping you from leaving him is fear of being alone, ask yourself whether you are not already lonely! There are issues here much deeper than cheating on your husband and although I believe that if two people love each other enough they can work through anything; you have to give your husband the choice and not make that decision for him by remaining silent. No matter what you decide to do, I strongly urge you to seek couples counselling to hash out these issues in a safe and therapeutic environment. I wish you the best of luck.
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Jul 23 2010
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Rating: 3.4/5 | 8 votes
This might be an unpopular opinion, but no, if he doesn’t know anything and you think you can stop and put those incidents in the past, then telling him isn’t necessary. You don’t seem to see your past actions as harmful to your relationship, you hold them separately in your mind. To me this says that you can continue to build your marriage with love and care without being eaten away by guilt.
Though honesty IS one of the building blocks of a successful relationship, so is confidence and happiness in oneself outside of one’s partner. These cheating incidents may have been your way of asserting that you have your own private world apart from the world you share with your husband and of building your own self-esteem in a way that doesn’t depend on your husband. In this sense, cheating doesn’t mean you love your husband less. But you can have your own life outside of your shared life and build your self-esteem in other ways than sleeping with people. Taking up an activity that you do alone, for example, and that makes you feel good about yourself, can often fulfill these needs.
In addition, yes, telling him might really hurt him and might really hurt your relationship. To you, your infidelities aren’t a big deal because there was no emotion involved and, as you said, “they didn’t mean anything.” It’s good that they didn’t mean much--if you don’t tell him you can keep it that way. However, studies have shown that for women an emotional infidelity is a far greater betrayal than a physical infidelity. For men, on the other hand, a physical infidelity is more of a big deal than an emotional involvement (this is a theory in evolutionary psychology and biology). So chances are your husband won’t be too relieved that your encounters were, to you, meaningless and void of emotion, and the situation could turn into a big mess.
What’s done is done and you can’t change the past. If you want to maintain your marriage in the future, however, it’s probably best to stop, if you can, so as to avoid eventually getting caught or getting emotionally involved and having it all fall apart. So, as I said, try to stop and figure out other things that can fulfill the needs that cheating was filling. Also, three times in eight years isn’t that much. Maybe specific things were going on in your life during those three periods and you can figure out what they are and rectify them.
But. If you don’t want to stop cheating when on business trips maybe you could talk about having a more “open” marriage, meaning being able to sleep with other people within certain parameters that you set with your husband and only when it’s okay with both of you. If this is something that interests you, there are a lot of resources available about open relationships, a relationship style that is increasingly common. Maybe it’s time to do some reading and do some thinking.
Though honesty IS one of the building blocks of a successful relationship, so is confidence and happiness in oneself outside of one’s partner. These cheating incidents may have been your way of asserting that you have your own private world apart from the world you share with your husband and of building your own self-esteem in a way that doesn’t depend on your husband. In this sense, cheating doesn’t mean you love your husband less. But you can have your own life outside of your shared life and build your self-esteem in other ways than sleeping with people. Taking up an activity that you do alone, for example, and that makes you feel good about yourself, can often fulfill these needs.
In addition, yes, telling him might really hurt him and might really hurt your relationship. To you, your infidelities aren’t a big deal because there was no emotion involved and, as you said, “they didn’t mean anything.” It’s good that they didn’t mean much--if you don’t tell him you can keep it that way. However, studies have shown that for women an emotional infidelity is a far greater betrayal than a physical infidelity. For men, on the other hand, a physical infidelity is more of a big deal than an emotional involvement (this is a theory in evolutionary psychology and biology). So chances are your husband won’t be too relieved that your encounters were, to you, meaningless and void of emotion, and the situation could turn into a big mess.
What’s done is done and you can’t change the past. If you want to maintain your marriage in the future, however, it’s probably best to stop, if you can, so as to avoid eventually getting caught or getting emotionally involved and having it all fall apart. So, as I said, try to stop and figure out other things that can fulfill the needs that cheating was filling. Also, three times in eight years isn’t that much. Maybe specific things were going on in your life during those three periods and you can figure out what they are and rectify them.
But. If you don’t want to stop cheating when on business trips maybe you could talk about having a more “open” marriage, meaning being able to sleep with other people within certain parameters that you set with your husband and only when it’s okay with both of you. If this is something that interests you, there are a lot of resources available about open relationships, a relationship style that is increasingly common. Maybe it’s time to do some reading and do some thinking.
[reply to answer]
I guess I'm pretty old school as I think that honesty is the best policy. And, I know I'll probably sound like a kill-joy for saying this, but I think that given the amount of sexually transmitted diseases out there, I would like to know if my husband were sleeping with other people. Maybe, you don't need to tell him about what you've done in the past. I agree with anejo that you could opt to talk to your man about having an open marriage. That way, at least, he has a choice and a say in the matter. Granted, your body remains your own, but you both made some promises to each other. Rather than completely ignoring them, I think you should redefine the limits of your relationship with him. Who knows, maybe he would also enjoy an open marriage, but is simply refraining himself from going there because of those same promises.
Tell him how you feel [and not necessarily what you've done].
All the best!
posted by MagdaA on 07/24/2010
