Asked

Sep 15 2009

Female

My boyfriend has been depressed for the last few months and although he tells me it is because he's unable to find a job i think it may have something to do with me. He always seems lively when he is among his friends but when it's just the two of us it's as if he shuts down. Am I paranoid? How should I ask him about this without it being awkward?

anonymous post in Dating Scene

Answered

Sep 29 2009

[reply to answer]

Answered

Sep 17 2009

First of all, it's really important to realize that men deal with depression differently than women. The whole Venus/Mars thing? Totally true! Guys place most of their self-esteem, masculinity, general well being even, on their careers. Evolutionarily, a "good provider" was more desirable to females, and part of that still exists in the male brain. Being unemployed for a guy basically makes him feel worthless. He may even be feeling like he doesn't deserve YOU! In a situation like this, a little ego stroking can go a long way. Compliment him on other things he's great at: cracking his friends up, making beer can pyramids, rocking your world in bed, etc. He'll focus on those things instead of how he doesn't have a job, and realize you are lucky to have each other.

[reply to answer]

Answered

Sep 16 2009

Is it possible that your boyfriend feels pressured to "hold it together" in front of his friends, but feels like he can be himself with you so lets all pretenses down when you're alone? One thing women often have a hard time understanding is that a man's identity and sense of self is intrinsically linked with his job. It is certainly possible that he is depressed about not finding a job and I doubt that it has anything to do with you. On the other hand, it is also completely normal for you to worry about his depression having something to do with you. To set your mind at ease, you might just ask him in a straightforward and non-confrontational way "I know you've been feeling down lately because of the job situation, but is there anything else bothering you?" If he says no, which I think he will, then you might simply ask "Are we okay?" Remember, depression colors everything, and until he gets out of this funk it may be hard for him to enjoy your relationship and life in general like he used to.

[reply to answer]

I need some advice. Been married for a few years (2nd time for her - 1st for me) I accepted her kids and her life before me -and we created a life together. I have caught her in lies, and she has cheated on me. I love her with all my heart, and my reaction often is - i am leaving. I don't think i want to leave - but i don't know what else to do? Our styles of parenting often clash (they are teena... read more